In this confusing and complex times the bewildered citizen of the world (that’s you) needs clear and simple guidelines to the accumulated wisdom and lore of the world. As a service to indifferent humanity we have gathered together a concise compendium of small wisdom.
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you’ve been kicked in the head like this before.
ON DEEP THOUGHTS
A day without sunshine is like night.
ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES
There is a CD out entitled “The worst of Jefferson Airplane”. If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund.
ON HIGHER EDUCATION
College is a fountain of knowledge… and the students are there to drink.
ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transformation.
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy – in a jar on my desk.
– Steven King. (Stolen from Robert Bloch.)
ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
– Abraham Maslow
He who dies with the most toys is,nonetheless, still dead.
ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES
Photons have mass? I didn’t know they were Catholic!
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
The cost of living has not affected its popularity.
ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
– English Profressor, Ohio University.
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.
ON POETIC LOVE
When you’re swimmin’ in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That’s a moray!
– Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb>
A: Two. One to thold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
– Dorothy Parker
To err is human, to moo bovine.
ON THE FALL OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE
One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
– Joe Firth
The meek shall inherit the Earth – they are too weak to refuse.
I can’t complain but sometimes I still do.
– Joe Walsh
2 is not equal to 3 – not even for very large values of 2.
ON WORLD POLITICS
Diplomacy is the art of saying “nice doggy” until you can find a rock.
ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.
This page was last updated March 7, 1999.