table of contents
August 1999

Signature Files

A signature file is a little squib that is tacked on to the end of an internet communication, i.e., email and usenet postings. My signature files contain my name, my affiliation, my URL, and my phone number. In addition they contain some pithy saying, whatever has lately struck my fancy. Most of them are lines that I’ve composed myself but some are quoted from other people. Be warned, though, that not all of the people cited below are real. Here are some of the squibs I’ve used in the past.

In a previous life I was a small, stupid, carnivorous dinosaur.
Things really haven’t changed much since then.
The mere fact that my assumptions are wrong and my conclusions
are erroneous does not mean that I am not right in principle.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
A man without a woman is like a horse without a rider.
Changing your mind is no big deal provided
You remember to change your underwear
“Reading computer manuals without the software is as frustrating
as reading sex manuals without the hardware.” – Arthur C. Clarke
There are features that should not be used.
There are concepts that should not be exploited.
There are problems that should not be solved.
There are programs that should not be written.

[Disclaimers not permitted by company policy.]
[I set company policy.]

This sentence no verb. This sentence short. This signature done.

What a delightful question — it’s the sort of thing that gets
written into the plots of bad SF movies

My goals in life are to bring small wisdom to small minds
and to bring everyone a bit closer to the Twilight Zone

All staff happy and working hard
All projects under control
All deadlines being met
All pigs fed and ready to fly

If a poster won’t behave put that poster in the grave.
Kill him quick for life is short. Silence is the best retort.

If you don’t know who Nancy Johnson was
— you aren’t a real feminist.

Soc.women is the Beirut of the internet. There is nothing
left but rubble and fanatics shooting at each other.

Life is tough. The other day I was pulled over for doing trochees
in an iambic pentameter zone and they revoked my poetic license.

When I do not question that which I know to be true it is
then that I prepare myself to be deceived.

I’m a primatologist specializing in homo sapiens.
Their lack of true intelligence simplifies my studies.

And the Lord looked at the world He had made and saw that it
was good. Unfortunately He was drunk at the time.

Xenophobia is the fear of strangers.
Zenophobia is the fear of getting half way there.

The universe is real; it has given us a place and time for
life; it does not also owe us beauty.

If a thing is worth doing it is worth doing well.
If a thing is worth doing it is worth doing badly.

Men were designed for short, nasty, brutal lives.
Women are designed for long, miserable ones.

There is no better or more profound theory of ethics than that of
Mammy Yokum – “Good is better than evil because it is nicer.”

There are more shopping malls than high schools in America.
Each year more people declare bankruptcy than graduate from college.

Think of me as Santa Claus bearing little mind stuffers
for people with stuffy minds.

“I often quote myself. Usually I attribute it to someone else.
The effect is better.” – Nathan Childers

“Clarity is a vice; of course, there is much to be said
for vice.” – Nathan Childers

“Life sucks sometimes; now are you going to get on with it or
are you going to suck your thumb.” – Lawrence Chatham

We build the castle of illusion on a solid rock of lie
And preserve our self delusion and never wonder why.

You know those signs that say “No pets allowed except seeing
eye dogs.” Who reads them?

“His love was one of undying devotion unencumbered by either
lust or affection.” – Richard Harter.

Hell, it was just a damn blow job.
It’s not like it was adultery. – WJC

The unseen stone lies on the road; its shadow falls upon the crib.
The summer lands lie in between the East that was, the West to come.

If we have not achieved the classless society
at least we have achieved a society without class.

Dear Josephine: I will be arriving home in three days.
Don’t bathe. – Napoleon

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us.
Pigs treat us as equals. — Winston Churchill

The animal described in Job is like no other;
That’s because it is a uniqueorn

In my lifetime we’ve had a Polish pope, men have walked on the moon,
and Communism has fallen. Will the Red Sox ever win a world series?

The echo chambers of the heart seduce the mind to play with art –
Enamelled jewels wrought in words are sweetly sung as though by birds

The enemy of my enemy is my friend.
With friends like these who needs enemies.

If you can laugh at something it can’t hurt you.
It can kill you but it can’t hurt you.

Guy Fawkes : The only man in 500 years to enter Parliament
with honourable intentions.

I have found an elegant proof that arithmetic is inconsistent.
Unfortunately the universe is too small to contain my proof.

I don’t want justice and I don’t want mercy;
I will settle for nothing less than unearned privilege.

We do not ask of the enlightened one what mountains he has moved.
It suffices that he sits there with a mysterious smile.

Microsoft announced today that the release of Windows 2000
has slipped and will be released in the first quarter of 1901.

I used to have delusions of grandeur.
Nowadays I settle for delusions of adequacy.

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Q. What’s the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

SF types think that the great conflict is beween Good and Evil;
in the real world it is between Marketing, Engineering, and Sales.

“A tool, such as human sacrifice, is ethically neutral.
Some tools are better left unused.” – MRD

In the fields of hell where the grass grows high
Are the graves of dreams allowed to die

This page was last updated August 10, 1999.

table of contents
August 1999