Quiz: Are you a Real Man?
Note to women: All real men answer C to all of these questions. Knowing
women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own
- Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You
- A. Present it to the President of the United States.
- B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
- C. Take it apart.
- As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
miss the most?
- A. Innocence.
- B. Idealism.
- C. Cherry bombs.
- When is it okay to kiss another male?
- A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard
for narrow-minded social conventions.
- B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
- C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons,
you have to have him killed.
- What about hugging another male?
- A. If he’s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
- B. If you’re performing the Heimlich maneuver.
- C. If you’re a professional baseball player and a teammate its a home
run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
- He is legally within the base path,
- Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and
- You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause
- In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
- A. A cat.
- B. A dog.
- C. A dog that eats cats.
- You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive
and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely
Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You’re watching a
football game; she’s reading the papers. Suddenly, out of the clear blue
sky, she tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can
longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is
going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only
whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What
do you say?
- A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
don’t want to rush it.
- B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
- C. That you cannot believe the Bears called a draw play on third and
- Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
to spend the rest of your life with her – sharing the joys and the
sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
- A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
- B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and
the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
- C. Tell her what?
- One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her
- A. “Do they need to eat or anything?”
- B. “They’re in school already?”
- C. “There are three of them?”
- When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
- A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended
for your legs.
- B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
has to be handled with tweezers.
- C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks
the garbage regularly in case somebody (and we are not naming
names, but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his
underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to
have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
- What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
they finally got to the Promised Land?
- A. He was being tested.
- B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
- C. He refused to ask for directions.
- What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?
- A. Democracy.
- B. Religion.
- C. Remote control.
This page was last updated October 10, 1998.