table of contents
May 2002

Things You Won’t See On Hallmark Cards

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
INSIDE: That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas…
INSIDE: I hope it’s your sister.

OUTSIDE: I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.

OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in hell ’til I met you.

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder…
INSIDE: What the fuck was I thinking?

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.
INSIDE: And while I’m dreaming, I wish you weren’t so damn ugly.

OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody’s stupid enough to admit it.

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you’d die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.

OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family.
INSIDE: Of course, your family won’t be with you, since I’m taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!

OUTSIDE: I’m so miserable without you…
INSIDE: It’s almost like you’re here.

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend…
INSIDE: Buy a dog.

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?

OUTSIDE:So your daughter’s a hooker and it spoiled your day.
INSIDE:Look at the bright side — it’s really good pay.

OUTSIDE:My tire was thumping.
INSIDE:I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat.

OUTSIDE:You had your bladder removed and you’re on the mends.
INSIDE:Here’s a bouquet of flowers and a box of depends.

OUTSIDE:Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be.
INSIDE: But don’t fret about it, she moved in with me.

OUTSIDE:Congratulations on your wedding day!!
INSIDE: Too bad no one likes your husband.

OUTSIDE:How could two people as beautiful as you ….
INSIDE: Have such an ugly baby?

OUTSIDE:Congratulations on your promotion.
INSIDE: Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You’ll probably need it again.

OUTSIDE:Someday I hope to get married……….
INSIDE:but not to you.

OUTSIDE:Happy birthday!! You look great for your age……
INSIDE:Almost lifelike!

OUTSIDE:We have been friends for a very long time
INSIDE:what say we stop?

This page was last updated May 1, 2002.

table of contents
May 2002