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Microsoft Humor — It sure dos hurt

If you really can’t stand MS or you get a chuckle from people who can’t you might check out Microsoft – The Next Generation. Another site well worth your visit is the Babygates page, dedicated to new product concepts based on baby Jennifer Katherine Gates. In the mean time here are a few odds and ends for your delectation.

Based on data recently returned from the Hubble space telescope, NASA scientists were surprised to learn that the Universe is 4 to 8 billion years younger than some of the stars in our own galaxy!

At least, according to calculations made on their Pentium computers.

Desktop publishing courtesy of MS Word

I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC,
It plainly marks for my revue
Mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your pleased too no,
Its letter perfect in it's from
My checker tolled me sew.
Our sun is not the only star in the universe.
Our planet is not the only planet rotating around a star in the universe.
Our planet is not the only planet with an `intelligent’ life form on it.
Our planet is the only planet in the universe where they use MSDOS.


Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows 95 on my PC. I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows 95 CD. To my surpise he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got very upset because the CD had become precious to me but he said “Do not worry, it is unharmed.” After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said “Take a close look at it.” To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything but then on the innter edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:


“I cannot understand the fiery letters” I said. “No, but I can.” he said. “The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:”

One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.


1. STOP DENYING. Listen to the wisdom of your body. Begin to freely admit the stresses and pressures which have manifested physically, mentally, or emotionally.

MICROSOFT VIEW: Work until the physical pain forces you into unconsciousness.

2. AVOID ISOLATION. Don’t do everything alone! Develop or renew intimacies with friends and loved ones. Closeness not only brings new insights, but also is anathema to agitation and depression.

MICROSOFT VIEW: Shut your office door and lock it from the inside so no-one will distract you. They’re just trying to hurt your productivity.

3. CHANGE YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES. If your job, your relationships, a situation, or a person is dragging you under, try to alter your circumstances, or if necessary, leave.

MICROSOFT VIEW: If you feel something is dragging you down, supress these thoughts. This is a weakness. Drink more coffee. ( It’s free.)

4. DIMINISH INTENSITY IN YOUR LIFE. Pinpoint those areas or aspects which summon up the most concentrated intensity and work toward alleviating that pressure.

MICROSOFT VIEW: Increase intensity. Maximum intensity = maximum productivity. If you find yourself relaxed and with your mind wandering, you are probably having a detrimental effect on the stock price.

5. STOP OVERNURTURING. If you routinely take on other people’s problems and responsibilities, learn to gracefully disengage. Try to get some nurturing for yourself.

MICROSOFT VIEW: Always attempt to do everything. You ARE responsible for it all. Perhaps you haven’t thoroughly read your job description.

6. LEARN TO SAY “NO”. You’ll help diminish intensity by speaking up for yourself. This means refusing additional requests or demands on your time or emotions.

MICROSOFT VIEW: Never say no to anything. It shows weakness, and lowers the stock price. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do at midnight.

7. BEGIN TO BACK OFF AND DETACH. Learn to delegate, not only at work, but also at home and with friends. In this case, detachment means rescuing yourself for yourself.

MICROSOFT VIEW: Delegating is a sign of weakness. Let someone else do it (See # 5).

8. REASSESS YOUR VALUES. Try to sort out the meaningful values from the temporary and fleeting, the essential from the nonessential. You’ll conserve energy and time, and begin to feel more centered.

MICROSOFT VIEW: Stop thinking about your own problems. This is selfish. If your values change, we will make an announcement at the company meeting. Until then, if someone calls you and questions your priorities, tell them that you are unable to comment on this and give them the number for Microsoft Marketing. It will be taken care of.

9. LEARN TO PACE YOURSELF. Try to take life in moderation. You only have so much energy available. Ascertain what is wanted and needed in your life, then begin to balance work with love, pleasure, and relaxation.

MICROSOFT VIEW: A balanced life is a myth perpetuated by the Borland Marketing Team. Don’t be a fool: the only thing that matters is work and productivity.

10. TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY. Don’t skip meals, abuse yourself with rigid diets, disregard your need for sleep, or break the doctor appointments. Take care of yourself nutritionally.

MICROSOFT VIEW: Your body serves your mind, your mind serves the company. Push the mind and the body will follow. Drink Mountain Dew. (it’s free.)

11. DIMINISH WORRY AND ANXIETY. Try to keep superstitious worrying to a minimum — it changes nothing. You’ll have a better grip on your situation if you spend less time worrying and more time taking care of your real needs.

MICROSOFT VIEW: If you’re not worrying about work, you must not be very committed to it. We’ll find someone who is.

12. KEEP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. Begin to bring joy and happy moments into your life. Very few people suffer burnout when they’re having fun.

MICROSOFT VIEW: So, you think your work is funny? We’ll discuss this with your manager on Friday. At 7:00 pm.

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This page was last updated December 13, 2001.