On the Internet
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M;’s (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is “MM” in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there’s no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC). Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that his kidney had been stolen. He saw a note on his mirror that said “Call 911!” but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled “Join the crew!” He knew it wasn’t a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. It’s true – I read it all last week in a mass email from Bill Gates himself, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know. The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy’s expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle, around which was wrapped a note that said, “Welcome to the world of AIDS.” Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital, the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an email and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every email he receives. I sent him two emails, and one of them was a bunch of x’s and o’s in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people you will have good luck, but for 10 people only you will only have okay luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have bad luck for seven years). So anyway, the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. Send this message to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&M;’s. If you don’t, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck; You will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse/mate will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms and the U.S. government will put a tax on your emails forever.
I know this is all true ‘cuz I read it on the Internet!!!!!
This page was last updated August 13, 2000.