[For your edification: information on a spiritual discipline which, although not widely known at the moment, we are sure will soon be taking its place among the major religions of the world. Many thanks to the Kult of Hamstur for generously allowing us to make these revelations available to you.]
Q: What is the Kult of Hamstur?
A: The Kult of Hamstur is a cult (a group or sect bound together by devotion to or veneration of the same thing, person, ideal, etc.) and in this case the object of devotion is Hamstur the Unsqueekable. It’s really quite simple. Don’t you own a dictionary?
Q: Who is Hamstur the Unsqueekable?
A: Hamstur, known to many of his followers as “He Whose Cage Must Not Be Cleaned,” is the greatest of the Outer Mammals described in the Gerbilnomicon, a tome as ancient and evil as it is furry.
Q: Really? Is this for real?
A: Don’t be silly.
Q: Wait a minute…Hamstur? Unsqueekable?
Gerbilnomicon? This sounds vaguely familiar…
A: Ah, very astute! Of course, you refer to the stories by Lovecraft and other writers which use similar sounding names and themes. Of course, Lovecraft knew the real truth, but was afraid to write anything more than vague and veiled references for fear of angering the Outer Mammals and their minions.
Q: Then how come you write about it?
A: We fear not the Outer Mammals! We are true followers of Hamstur! We have sunk a ton of money into Kult of Hamstur products that we really need to move!
Q: Well, in that case…what can I do to support
Hamstur and his cause?
A: Unlike most others, the Kult of Hamstur doesn’t require or even encourage its members to sell off all of their worldly possessions and give all the proceeds to the Kult leadership. After all, there is only so much Habitrail stuff that one can buy. However, if you insist, just send all your money to the address at the end of this article. It’s not tax deductable and will probably be used for some purpose which might be illegal and most likely immoral. Or we might just use it to buy beer.
Q: How do I join?
A: So you want to become a member of the Kult of Hamstur? Who wouldn’t, right? Well, all you have to do is get a hamster. It will tell you the rest (if you are worthy). At least that’s how it happened with me. But it can’t be just any hamster – no way! It’s got to be the right hamster.
Here’s how you go about getting the right hamster:
First, it’s important to note that all pet store owners know about Hamstur (and the other Outer Mammals like Dogsothoth and Cathulhu). Even if your own brother owns a pet store and you know he couldn’t normally find his ass with both hands, much less keep a secret like this. But believe me, it’s just a clever disguise. Even better than that Peter Pan costume your mother made for you when you were 6. It’s that good…
When you decide to join, just go to any pet store and ask for a hamster. When you ask for the hamster, you must look the owner in the eye and say something like, “I would like a hamster. A normal one. Nothing special and not out of the ordinary in any way. Just a regular old run-of-mill hamster.” The actual words are not important, but you get the idea. You must insist on a normal, ordinary average run-of- the-mill hamster. It is especially important that you keep this kind of running dialog during the whole purchase. This is called the Persistance of Normalcy. If you ever waver, even a little, the owner will not give you a true Spawn of Hamstur and you’ll end up with a stupid little rodent who runs in a wheel all the time and sleeps in his own filth. What you want, of course, is a cosmically intelligent little rodent who runs in a wheel all the time and sleeps in his own filth.
Now, of course, the owner will not make this easy for you, otherwise, any idiot could join. Hamstur only wants the truly special cases for his minions. As you continue with the Persistance of Normalcy, asking for the most ordinary, non-descript, average and normal in every way hamster, the owner’s part is to wear the Mask of Confused Annoyance. He/she will pretend to not understand your rantings. DO NOT ALLOW THIS WEAKEN YOUR RESOLVE! This is merely a test to see if you are worthy. The more confused and annoyed they look, the more you should insist on a normal, average, every-day hamster. In fact, if at any point they seem to understand, then you’re in the wrong place and you should leave immediately.
If you properly keep up the Persistance of Normalcy and end up purchasing a hamster, only then will you have a true Spawn of Hamstur.
SB, High Priest of Hamstur