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First Aid – Your Handy Primer

Many homes and offices do not have proper first-aid procedures in place. As a public service we have provided this handy summary of first-aid procedures for common problems. Bookmark this URL. When somebody gets hurt or is sick you will know just what to do.

What? Symptom. Treatment.
APPENDICITIS Pain in right lower abdomen. Nausea, possible vomiting and fever. Who cares? It’s a vestigial organ anyway. Give him an aspirin.
BURNS and SCALDS Redness, mild swelling, and pain. Blisters may develop. Peel away dead skin. Rub vigorously to encourage good circulation.
CONVULSION Strong, jerking movements; stiff body. Difficulty breathing. Bluish face. Eyes rolled back, gritting of teeth, frothy mouth. Sit on victim. Laugh at him until he gets embarrassed and stops.
CROUP Noisy, difficult breathing. Hoarse, barking cough. Stuff a sock in victim’s mouth.
CUTS and BRUISES Cuts bleed and hurt. Bruises get red, swollen, and hurt. Call victim a sissy and and send him back out to play.
DOG BITE Redness, swelling and bleeding if skin is broken. Fear of the dog. Scold victim. Shoot dog.
DROWNING Unconscious, pale or blue skin. Talk about what a great guy he was.
EARACHE Pain. Possible dizziness or discharge from ear. Possible fever. Listen to one hour of Motley Crue. THEN you’ll know what an earache is.
FAINTING Pale, clammy skin, dizziness, shallow breathing, sweating and temporary unconsciousness. Before victim revives, take his wallet and clothes and put him on a bus to Toledo.
FEVER Body temperature over 98.6 degrees F (37 C). Hot forehead. Administer 4 oz. of ‘Old Jayhawk’ [cheap whiskey] every 2 hours.
FROSTBITE Skin flushed, then changing to white or greyish yellow. Blister may appear. Cold and numb. Pain. Submerge in boiling water.
HEAT EXHAUSTION High temperature. Pale and clammy skin, or hot and flushed skin. Headache and weakness. Possible nausea. Lock up victim in walk-in freezer for 1-2 hours.
INSECT BITES and STINGS Pain and redness at the site of the sting or bite. Possible allergic reactions such as shock or difficulty breathing. Capture insect and mash to paste. Dissolve in one cup of milk and have victim drink.
NOSEBLEED Profuse bleeding from the nose. Apply tourniquet to victim’s neck.
POISONING Symptoms vary. Throat or stomach pains. Mouth burns. Vomiting. Drowsiness. Give 1 tbsp lye in ammonia solution to flush system.
SHOCK Victim pale and weak. Clammy skin, perspiration on upper lip and forehead. Pulse rate and breathing rate are increased. Grasp victim firmly by the shoulders and shake, shouting, “Snap out of it!”
STROKE Unconscious. Heavy breathing. Apparent weakness in face or limbs on one side of body. Inability to speak. Kiss patient goodbye. It’s all over.
SUNBURN Redness, mild swelling, and pain. Possible blisters. Remove reddened skin with sandpaper. Soak affected area in alcohol.
SWALLOWING FOREIGN BODIES Dangerous when in air passages. Voilent coughing and choking. Bluish facial discoloration. Breathing may stop. Shout, “Hey, dumbshit, spit that out! Whatsa matter with you!”
TOOTHACHE Pain. Tooth is sensitive to hot and cold food and fluids. Alternate administration of hot coffee and ice cream.

This page was last updated January 17, 1998.