The Bad Santa and the Evil Elves

This is a snide little story poking fun at some of the contributors in the talk.origins newsgroup. Feral chickens are a reference to a bizarre “refutation” of evolution by Ted Holden. “Bad Santa” will go unnamed unless he catches on.

Once upon a time in the land of talk.origins there was no Santa Claus. Boys and girls chased feral chickens through flux tubes whilst professors swilled beer at the Panda’s Thumb. It was a golden age, a time of innocence, a time before Santa Claus.

And then one day, riding his sleigh with eight tiny topological papers, the Bad Santa Claus rode into town. He pulled up into the center of town and announced, “You people are in a bad way! I have just come from cleaning up talk.abortion, which was a real sewer, and now I’m going to clean up things here.”

People looked at each, shook their heads, and said “Who is this guy, anyway.” A spy was sent over to talk.abortion to ask about Santa Claus but he didn’t learn much. “They wouldn’t talk to me,” he said, “but they just giggled a lot when I mentioned Santa Claus.”

Then Santa said, “I’m making a list of who’s naughty and who’s nice. Don’t think you can fool me – I know your type.” Then he proceeded to tell everybody that the Cheese Kid, aka the Dean, was a crypto abortionist because the Kid said something that sounded like something said by somebody else long ago and far away and Santa never forgets.

And then Santa made lists. And he published them. And he made more lists. And he published them. And he told the world who was naughty and who was nice. Only the funny thing is, there wasn’t anybody on the nice list. And Santa said, “You children have been bad, bad, bad.” And he gave them all coal for Christmas, except that the coal was brown and squishy and didn’t smell too good.

The town folk didn’t think much of these doings and they started to jump and shout and make all kinds of outlandish noise. The Bad Santa didn’t mind that at’all – it was just to his liking. People were coming around to his way of doing things.

The folks that started arguing with Santa started turning into elves. Not nice elves, mind you, but Santa type elves. There was the Chocolate Kid, and the Paul brothers, and the Irishman, and Big John and I don’t know who all. Even the Pastor got into the act. Santa would start a fire and pretty soon the flames would be rising high. Then the elves would dance around the fire and they would throw stuff into the fire too, and the flames would burn even higher.

All the little boys and girls stood back and watched Santa and his evil elves dance around the fire and they looked at each other and said, “Whatever happened to the feral chickens.”