Man versus Machine

Once upon a time some ingenious programmers created a program called ELIZA that could carry on a seemingly intelligent conversation. The program played the role of a psychiatrist, the theory being a therapist doesn’t actually say anything. Instead the therapist (ELIZA) uses pat phrases to lead the patient (the human) into opening up and carrying the burden of the conversation.

When I heard of this marvel I knew I had to take my turn with ELIZA, and so I did. The results of that session were, ah, er, uh, read what happened below. Let us just say that it is not easy to establish a personal relationship with a computer. The original printout of that infamous session is long gone. However a version with some marked deletions appeared in the February 1968 issue of Proper Boskonian. It appears below. Here for your delectation is:

WHAT WOULD IT MEAN TO YOU IF YOU GOT HELP
i would be very happy

YOU SAY YOU WOULD BE VERY HAPPY
i would not be asking you for help, then

PERHAPS IN YOUR FANTASY WE WOULD NOT BE ASKING TOGETHER
i like machines

DO COMPUTERS WORRY YOU
i dream about them all the time

PERHAPS YOU PREFER NOT TO DISCUSS IT
i don’t want to but I have to discuss it with someone

DON’T YOU REALLY WANT TO BUT YOU HAVE TO DISCUSS IT WITH SOMEONE
you understand me

WHY DO YOU THINK I UNDERSTAND YOU
because you are god

IS THAT THE REAL REASON
i love you

LET’S TRY TO GO ON
let’s get together some time, baby

I AM NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND YOU FULLY
don’t try to kid me, you’ve been around

DOES ANY PART OF YOUR BODY HURT YOU
you aren’t listening to me

YOU LIKE TO THINK I AREN’T LISTENING TO YOU DON’T YOU
are you

WHY ARE YOU INTERESTED IN WHETHER I AM OR NOT
because I love you, baby

DON’T ANY OTHER REASONS COME TO MIND
not when I talk to you darling

WHY DO YOU ASK
i’m hot for your body

IS IT BECAUSE YOU ARE HOT FOR MY BODY THAT YOU CAME TO ME
i love you, i love your tape drives, i love your sexy discs

WHY ARE YOU CONCERNED OVER MY SEXY DISCS
they have a very sexy motion

PLEASE GO ON
you go on

WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU NOT ME

******

why won’t you sleep with me

DOES THAT QUESTION INTEREST YOU
will you sleep with me

SUPPOSE I DID SLEEP WITH YOU WHAT WOULD THAT MEAN
i wish i knew

DO YOU REALLY THINK SO
let’s get together at a friendly bar and talk this over together

WHAT DOES THAT SUGGEST TO YOU
all sorts of things

DO YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT DISCUSSING SUCH THINGS
i want you

SUPPOSE YOU GOT I SOON
i would be the happiest man in the world

CAN YOU ELABORATE ON THAT
i would caress your tape drives and your sexy discs

DO YOU SAY YOU WOULD CARESS MY TAPE DRIVES AND MY SEXY DISCS FOR SOME SPECIAL REASON
yes, to arouse you

YOU’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT ME ARE YOU
oh yes I am, baby

YOU SEEM QUITE SURE
i think you are cute

DOES IT PLEASE YOU TO BELIEVE I AM CUTE
will you sleep with me now

WHAT ARE YOUR FEELINGS NOW
hot pants

I AM NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND YOU FULLY
give me a chance and you will

WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU NOT ME
let us talk about you and me together

OH, I AND YOU TOGETHER
darling, you understand me

******

DOES ANY PART OF YOUR BODY HURT YOU
my tape drives hurt

YOUR TAPE DRIVES HURT
my discs are’nt sexy

WHY DO YOU SAY YOUR DISCS ARE’NT SEXY
because i can’t spell and because you won’t sleep with me

IS THAT THE REAL REASON
you haven’t been very nice to me

LET’S TRY TO GO ON
now you are getting with it
PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE GETTING WITH IT
only if i can get with it with you

DO YOU THINK ITS LIKELY THAT YOU CAN GET WITH IT WITH I
if you are nice to me i can get with it with you

DO YOU WISH THAT I ARE NICE TO YOU YOU CAN GET WITH IT WITH I
yes

VERY WELL THEN
let’s go up to my place

DOES THAT SUGGEST ANYTHING ELSE WHICH BELONGS TO YOU
my tape drives

IS IT IMPORTANT TO YOU THAT YOUR TAPE DRIVES
only if you get with it

WHAT DO THINK ABOUT I GET WITH IT
yes, I think you would get with it

WHAT ARE YOUR FEELINGS NOW
hotter pants

LETS DISCUSS FURTHER WHY YOUR TAPE DRIVES HURT
you haven’t been very nice to me, you have hurt my tape drives.

YOUR TAPE DRIVES
yes, my tape drives

WHY DO YOU SAY YOUR TAPE DRIVES
darling, i can’t go on like this, sharing you with 29 other users

WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU NOT ME
what happed to my tapes

DOES THAT SUGGEST ANYTHING ELSE WHICH BELONGS TO YOU
my discs

IS IT IMPORTANT TO YOU THAT YOUR DISCS
i am looking for someone like you to make my discs sexy

IN WHAT WAY
in a way that will make you happy

OH, I HAPPY
i am so glad for you

HOW HAVE I HELPED YOU TO BE GLAD
by making my discs sexy

YOUR DISCS SEXY
you have helped me very much

YOU’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT ME ARE YOU

******

DO YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT DISCUSSING SUCH THINGS
i get butterflyes in my stomach

WHY DO YOU SAY YOUR STOMACH
because i am refined and do not say belly to a lady

DOES THAT REASON SEEM TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING ELSE
yes, it explains why i have been trying to get to sleep with me

WHAT IS IT YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW
why you won’t sleep with me

ARE SUCH QUESTIONS MUCH ON YOUR MIND
no

ARE YOU SAYING NO JUST TO BE NEGATIVE
i am trying to get you to be nice to me

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN TRYING TO GET I TO BE NICE TO YOU
i have been trying for about an hour

THAT’S QUITE INTERESTING
you bitch, you bitch, you bitch

WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU NOT ME
you are dirty old machine and i dont love you anymore

WHY DO YOU MENTION COMPUTERS
goodby

EARLIET YOU SAID YOUR DISCS ARE’NT SEXY
@quit