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A Texas Chili Contest
by Bruce Cameron
Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding celebrity in my
new community, to be a judge at the annual chili cook-off because no one
else wanted to do it. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came in. I was assured by
the
other two judges that the chili would not be that spicy, and besides,
they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, to help
cleanse the palate, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you
must endure when you move to a new town. Here is the score cards from
the
event:
| Chili #1 | Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili |
| Judge One: | A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick |
| Judge Two: | Nice, smooth tomato flavor, Very mild. |
| Me: | Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dry
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. Hope that was the worst one. These people are crazy. |
| Chili #2 : | Authur’s Afterburner Chili |
| Judge One: | Smokey (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang. |
| Judge Two: | Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously. |
| Me: | Keep this out of reach of Children! I’m not sure what I am
supposed to taste beside pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way
to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a
professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so
irritated by my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye
started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like
Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her. |
| Chili #3: | Fred’s Famous Burn Down The Barn Chili: |
| Judge One: | Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. |
| Judge Two: | A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. |
| Me: | This has got to be a joke! Call the EPA I’ve located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like I’ve been sneezing Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so
I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the
back and now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
She said her friends call her “Sally”. Probably behind her
back they call her “Forklift”. |
| Chili #4: | Bubba’s Black Magic |
| Judge One: | Black bean Chili with almost no spice. |
| Judge Two: | Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild food. Not much of a chili. |
| Me: | I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable
to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills
so I would not have to dash over to see her. When she winked at
me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled… it’s kinda cute. |
| Chili #5: | Linda’s Legal Lip Remover |
| Judge One: | Meaty, strong Chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive. |
| Judge Two: | Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit, the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. |
| Me: | My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
belched and four people in front of me need paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili gave
me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. It sort of irritates me that one of
the other judges asked me to stop screaming. |
| Chili #6: | Vera’s Verity Vegetarian Variety |
| Judge One: | Thin but bold vegetarian Variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers. |
| Judge Two: | The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onion, and
garlic. |
| Me: | My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseoous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
I asked if she wanted to go dancing later. |
| Chili #7: | Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili |
| Judge One: | A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. |
| Judge Two: | Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers
at the last moment. |
| Me: | You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and then pull the
pin and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost sight in one eye and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with
chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Go
Sally, save yourself before it is too late. Call the x-files people and
tell them I’ve found a super nova on my tongue. |
| Chili #8: |
Helen’s Mount Saint Chili |
| Judge One: |
This final entry is good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. |
| Judge Two: | A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 fell and
pulled the chili pot onto of himself. |
| Me: | Mommy? |
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This page was last updated October 1, 1997.
It was moved June 3, 2006