Essay-Writing Guide for College Students
- Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with
plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
- Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand
it.
- Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you
concentrate.
- Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your
friend from class. If your friend hasn’t started the paper yet
either, you can both walk to McDonald’s and buy a hamburger to help
you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-
spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic
folders, drop him.
- When you return to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair
in a clean, well-lit place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
- Read over the assignment again to make sure you understand it.
- Check your e-mail; reply to everyone who sent you e-mails. Forward
today’s JokeFiles.com newsletter to your aunts, uncles, and cousins.
- You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since
fourth grade… You’d better write that letter now and get it out of
the way so you can concentrate.
- Go check your teeth in the bathroom mirror. Return to your
computer.
- Listen to your favorite CD and that’s it, I mean it, as soon as
it’s over you are going to start that paper.
- Listen to another CD. Rip both CDs to MP3 and transfer them to
your iPod.
- Check your e-mail again.
- Rearrange your CDs in alphabetical order. Now do an inventory to
make certain that you have ripped them all to the hard-drive.
- Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he’s started
writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the
course, the university and the world at large.
- Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lit place
with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
- Check your e-mail to make sure no-one sent you any urgent
messages since the last time you checked. Then watch the “Hott for
Hillary” viral video a couple of times.
- Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your
tongue; savor their special flavor.
- Check the TV listings to make sure you aren’t missing something
truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than
12 hours, anything on TV, from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of
the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: Pro Bowlers’
Tour, sewing shows, or any movie starring Don Ameche (“Picture Mommy
Dead” and “Things Change,” excluded).
- Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 265.
- Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching.
Discuss the finer points of the plot.
- Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
- Look through your roommate’s book of pictures from home. Ask who
everyone is.
- Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the
future.
- Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious,
trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
- Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lit place
with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
- Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
- Check your e-mail.
- Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the
sunrise.
- Lie face down on the floor and moan.
- Leap up to write the paper.
- Type the paper in under an hour and turn it in with minutes to
spare.
This page was last updated January 1, 2008.
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