If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly…
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all
yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care.
How ’bout I send you a book so you can learn to read and write? I’m
giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What? Do you really think your dad is going to quit banging the
babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane, son? Let me get you a
nice Lego set instead.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for
your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face.
You
want to kiss my butt? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making Toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend
most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses butts, and losing money at
the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re
awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m
skipping your house.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Hey Timmy,
That whiny begging shtick may work with your folks, but that b.s.
doesn’t work up here. You’re getting a sweater, again.
Santa
This page was last updated January 1, 2006.