An SF fan letter

In ye olde days SF-struck adolescents wrote gushing letters to the SF pulps, which regularly published them. Here is an example from the August 1966 issue of Appalling Stories. The capitalization, punctuation, grammar, and content have not been altered.

GREETINGS, ye eD.

Words, WOrds, WORds, WORDs, WORDS. Yes, words of wisdom from your favorite fan. Give Milch three jugs of XENO for the april covErillo. Yes, three jugs of xeno, and A letter of merit from the old sarge himself. Wow, and I do mean Wow. Great creeping BEMs. This bhoy Milch is good. And I do mean ghood… Get him next ish. Get him every ish. And get rid of Ellman. HE stinks. And I do mean stinks. He draws a BEM like my Aunt Clara (in fact – do you want a real coverillo – huh, huh, huh).

HOW COME. I MEAN, HOW COME. How come you haven’t bought my story. It’s just what your mag needs. And not one word. Not even one. Not even a pinkslip. Joe Cowbull gave me a classy pinkslip. With his rotten mag. SO come on, huh, OK.

This guy ASyMoFF is still all mixed up. He still can’t spell his name right. Why dont yew hev the ol Sarge slip him the message. It”s asYmoFF. Right. RIGHT. Now lets get it riGHt.

Gisbon is still looking for egoboo. Gisbon is a fakefan. Hoy Bhoy is he a fakefan. He oughta do an Ellman illo. He oughta Be an Ellman illo. Gisbon knows from nothing, strictly from nothing. Gisbon is nothing but a broken down BEFM. He oughta get smart. He says SF is trash. How should he know. I dont think that homo inferior can read. Gisbon is a burnt out rocket hull. HE sHoulD oRbIT iN tHe vOID.

Avast me mates. To the serious things of life. Gee ed, I donT know what youd do without me to rate your stories:
A++++++ Black Invaders from the Infinite Void. Gosh GEE WOW OH wow. Can Bradlein write. Hoy Bhoy can he write. MORE. MORE. More Bradlein. More Black Invaders. Keep it up, keep it up. Stuff like this is real SF. Bradlein was in there using all three heads to write that one.
B+ Lost on Mars. Good, yes, good, but not great. Try again.
FFFFFF Rest of the Ish. Ed, how could you.

Sorry, ED, got to catch a rocket to VEGa. Blastoff and Happy Jets.

Ol Hairy Ears
Joe Phan
Lower Buckears, S.D.