Men and Directions

Why do men hate to ask for directions?

This is one of those ancient conundrums like “Why is the sky blue?” and “What makes the stars shine?”, Science, as usual, has the answer for us. A recent report from the Lucy Van Pelt Institute of Universal Knowledge has found that the gene for asking directions is on the X chromosome. Said gene facilitates the product of the direction asking hormone, locatizone. Because men, poor dears, have only one X chromosome they produce only half as much locatizone as women.

But that is not the whole story. As is well known, the testosterone/adrenalin feedback loop produces copious amounts of androplaywithibol. The effects of this hormone are notorious — studies have shown that male IQ’s may drop as much as 40 points during a football game. Newer studies now show that androplaywithibol inhibits locatizone. Since automobile driving is a ball-game surrogate for males [see Automobiles and football — displacement phenomena in the American Male Psyche, by Lucretia K. Blatifu] the inevitable result is that recurring figure on the American landscape, the frustrated male drive who cannot admit that he is lost.

What to do? The best solution is to not let him drive. If he must drive it is important to reduce his stress level. Men can actually be pleasant, reasonable creatures when they are not in the throes of androplaywithibol intoxication. The whole trick is to keep them calm and unexcited until their physiology has had a change to readapt to rationality.