Things You Won’t See On Hallmark Cards
| OUTSIDE: | As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am… |
| INSIDE: | That you’re not here to ruin it for me. |
| OUTSIDE: | If I get only one thing for Christmas… |
| INSIDE: | I hope it’s your sister. |
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| OUTSIDE: | I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. |
| INSIDE: | After having met you, I’ve changed my mind. |
| OUTSIDE: | I must admit, you brought religion into my life. |
| INSIDE: | I never believed in hell ’til I met you. |
| OUTSIDE: | Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder… |
| INSIDE: | What the fuck was I thinking? |
| OUTSIDE: | I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected. |
| INSIDE: | And while I’m dreaming, I wish you weren’t so damn ugly. |
| OUTSIDE: | Sex with you is like using drugs: | |
| INSIDE: | Lots of people do it, but nobody’s stupid enough to
admit it. |
| OUTSIDE: | When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. |
| INSIDE: | Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept
your promise. |
| OUTSIDE: | The holidays are a great time to be with family. |
| INSIDE: | Of course, your family won’t be with you, since I’m
taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard! |
| OUTSIDE: | I’m so miserable without you… |
| INSIDE: | It’s almost like you’re here. |
| OUTSIDE: | If you ever need a friend… |
| INSIDE: | Buy a dog. |
| OUTSIDE: | Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. |
| INSIDE: | Did you ever find out who the father was? |
| OUTSIDE: | So your daughter’s a hooker and it spoiled your day. |
| INSIDE: | Look at the bright side — it’s really good pay. |
| OUTSIDE: | My tire was thumping. |
| INSIDE: | I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat. |
| OUTSIDE: | You had your bladder removed and you’re on the mends. |
| INSIDE: | Here’s a bouquet of flowers and a box of depends. |
| OUTSIDE: | Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be. |
| INSIDE: | But don’t fret about it, she moved in with me. |
| OUTSIDE: | Congratulations on your wedding day!! |
| INSIDE: | Too bad no one likes your husband. |
| OUTSIDE: | How could two people as beautiful as you …. |
| INSIDE: | Have such an ugly baby? |
| OUTSIDE: | Congratulations on your promotion. |
| INSIDE: | Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You’ll probably need it again. |
| OUTSIDE: | Someday I hope to get married………. |
| INSIDE: | but not to you. |
| OUTSIDE: | Happy birthday!! You look great for your age…… |
| INSIDE: | Almost lifelike! |
| OUTSIDE: | We have been friends for a very long time |
| INSIDE: | what say we stop? |
This page was last updated May 1, 2002.
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