Many homes and offices do not have proper first-aid procedures in place. As a public service we have provided this handy summary of first-aid procedures for common problems. Bookmark this URL. When somebody gets hurt or is sick you will know just what to do.
| What? | Symptom. | Treatment. |
| APPENDICITIS | Pain in right lower abdomen. Nausea, possible vomiting and fever. | Who cares? It’s a vestigial organ anyway. Give him an aspirin. |
| BURNS and SCALDS | Redness, mild swelling, and pain. Blisters may develop. | Peel away dead skin. Rub vigorously to encourage good circulation. |
| CONVULSION | Strong, jerking movements; stiff body. Difficulty breathing. Bluish face. Eyes rolled back, gritting of teeth, frothy mouth. | Sit on victim. Laugh at him until he gets embarrassed and stops. |
| CROUP | Noisy, difficult breathing. Hoarse, barking cough. | Stuff a sock in victim’s mouth. |
| CUTS and BRUISES | Cuts bleed and hurt. Bruises get red, swollen, and hurt. | Call victim a sissy and and send him back out to play. |
| DOG BITE | Redness, swelling and bleeding if skin is broken. Fear of the dog. | Scold victim. Shoot dog. |
| DROWNING | Unconscious, pale or blue skin. | Talk about what a great guy he was. |
| EARACHE | Pain. Possible dizziness or discharge from ear. Possible fever. | Listen to one hour of Motley Crue. THEN you’ll know what an earache is. |
| FAINTING | Pale, clammy skin, dizziness, shallow breathing, sweating and temporary unconsciousness. | Before victim revives, take his wallet and clothes and put him on a bus to Toledo. |
| FEVER | Body temperature over 98.6 degrees F (37 C). Hot forehead. | Administer 4 oz. of ‘Old Jayhawk’ [cheap whiskey] every 2 hours. |
| FROSTBITE | Skin flushed, then changing to white or greyish yellow. Blister may appear. Cold and numb. Pain. | Submerge in boiling water. |
| HEAT EXHAUSTION | High temperature. Pale and clammy skin, or hot and flushed skin. Headache and weakness. Possible nausea. | Lock up victim in walk-in freezer for 1-2 hours. |
| INSECT BITES and STINGS | Pain and redness at the site of the sting or bite. Possible allergic reactions such as shock or difficulty breathing. | Capture insect and mash to paste. Dissolve in one cup of milk and have victim drink. |
| NOSEBLEED | Profuse bleeding from the nose. | Apply tourniquet to victim’s neck. |
| POISONING | Symptoms vary. Throat or stomach pains. Mouth burns. Vomiting. Drowsiness. | Give 1 tbsp lye in ammonia solution to flush system. |
| SHOCK | Victim pale and weak. Clammy skin, perspiration on upper lip and forehead. Pulse rate and breathing rate are increased. | Grasp victim firmly by the shoulders and shake, shouting, “Snap out of it!” |
| STROKE | Unconscious. Heavy breathing. Apparent weakness in face or limbs on one side of body. Inability to speak. | Kiss patient goodbye. It’s all over. |
| SUNBURN | Redness, mild swelling, and pain. Possible blisters. | Remove reddened skin with sandpaper. Soak affected area in alcohol. |
| SWALLOWING FOREIGN BODIES | Dangerous when in air passages. Voilent coughing and choking. Bluish facial discoloration. Breathing may stop. | Shout, “Hey, dumbshit, spit that out! Whatsa matter with you!” |
| TOOTHACHE | Pain. Tooth is sensitive to hot and cold food and fluids. | Alternate administration of hot coffee and ice cream. |
This page was last updated January 17, 1998.