Over the millenia humanity has concerned itself with many a deep question of philosophy such as “What is Truth?” and “What is Justice?” and “Can I get laid Saturday night?”. The premier question, the one which has exercised the minds of the greatest thinkers of all time, is the traditional “Why did the chicken cross the road?”. Herein we record the answers given by these great thinkers.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Albert Camus: It doesn’t matter; the chicken’s actions have no meaning except to him.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook..
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Capt JT Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Big Five Accounting/Consulting Firm: Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Big Five Accounting/Consulting Firm, in a partnering relationship with the client, on a best chicken basis, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation process. Let us show what we can do for your chicken today!
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected n such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
Darwin #2: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed it, I’ve not been told!
Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death..
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals our underlying sexual insecurity.
George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that He was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately … and suck all the marrow out of life.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
Homer Simpson: Mmmmmmmmm, chicken.
Immanuel Kant: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.
Jack Nicholson: ’cause it f…..g wanted to. That’s the f…..g reason.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think to ask, “What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?”
John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
Johnny Rotten: Because it was stapled to the punk rocker.
Joseph Stalin: I don’t care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of “crossing” was encoded into the objects “chicken” and “road”, and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
Machiavelli #2: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken’s dominion maintained.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
O.J.: It didn’t. I was playing golf with it at the time.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
Oliver Stone: The question is not “Why did the chicken cross the road?” but is rather “Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
The Pope: That is only for God to know.
Plato: For the greater good.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it.
Ronald Reagan: What cat?
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Saddam Hussein #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Timothy Leary: Because that’s the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I’ll find out.
This page was last updated November 7, 1997.