Kosher Bagel Seeds

The following was seen attached to a plastic zip lock bag containing Cheerios.

WHERE TO PLANT BAGEL SEEDS
Any bright sunny location, preferably close to a delicatessen.

WHEN TO PLANT
Year around, but onion bagels grow best in winter, while poppy seed and pumpernickel grow well in summer.

CARE OF PLANTS
Plant in seven equal rows, running north and south. You may make the middle row longer. Join all rows with one long east-west row, for irrigation and to form a menorah. All seeds must be planted at least four feet deep. Any less depth and the hole in the bagel will not develop properly. Irrigate sparsely, with boiling water only!!

NOTE: Over-irrigation or cold water will cause your growing bagel to become soggy. Soggy bagels are not good for anything. . .

While it is possible to grow bagels topped with cream cheese by sprinkling the blossoms with fresh dairy cream, you should contact a professional bagel grower for expert advice. Some unkosher growers will use fertilizer, but that does affect the taste and texture, even if it does hasten the growth. However, those who like egg bagels have had success using fresh eggs as fertilizer.

TO EAT
Cut cross-wise. Never, never cut a bagel vertically. Ladle on lox and cream cheese (you were warned only experts could raise bagels already topped). Use when ripe. While day-old bagels may be toasted and eaten, any older and they tend to fossilize and are only good for missiles. Beware of over-ripe bagels!

GUARANTEE
If you are not 100% satisfied, dig up your bagel seeds and return. A BRAND NEW package of seeds will be sent to you.