How to Talk About Men
And still be Politically Correct
In these days we have to be politically correct, which is to say that
we can no longer call a spade a spade. Instead it is a manually operated
earth moving device. Although men are not politically correct, it is still
necessary to use poltically correct language in discussing their
little foibles. Here is a handy phrase book that will let you talk about
men and still be politically correct.
- He is not a bad dancer; he is Overly Caucasian.
- He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential
- He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.
- He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American.
- He is not a sex machine; he is Romantically Automated.
- He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.
- He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.
- He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.
- He is not short — he is Anatomically Compact.
- He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
- He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.
- He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial
- He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.
- He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
- He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.
- He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
- He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.
- He does not have a fabulous rear end; he has achieved Gluteal Perfection.
- He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
- He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.
- He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible.
- He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.
- His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Undercirculated.
- You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.
- You do not kiss him; you become Facially Conjoined.
- You do not undress him with your eyes; you have an Introspective Pornographic
This page was last updated May 4, 2003.