From: marek
Date: 3/20/2005
Subj: (none)

LORD MAREK FROM POLAND

It’s always a pleasure to hear from the Polish nobility.
I see that you’re not royalty since you have no subjects.

From: siteops
Date: 3/11/2005
Subj: return my money ASAP!

Dude, you decide to cheat me ? Wrong way!

My apologies. What would be the right way to cheat you?

From: Paulo
Date: 3/12/2005
Subj: i am really angry

And you wrote?
Nothing at all, apparently. Whatever your problem is, I hope you get over it. Take two aspirin and send me an email in the morning.

From: Peter Neilson
Date: 3/17/2005
Subj: Link Exchange

In the spirit of your correspondent “beno”, I, too, would like to exchange links. There is a modest one just down the street, at the Deep River Golf Club, and there are several prestegious ones not far away in Southern Pines and Pinehurst. I would be willing to exchange any of these for one of the Highmore links.

You would gain the benefit of a small area where you could play warm, sunny golf throughout much of the year. I would gain a spot of land where natural air-conditioning would keep me cold and bleak in all but the hottest of summer daze.

The only catch in all of this is the transportation. My truck is too small for the task. We would have to use yours.

There is much to be said for your proposal, although I am not sure that such words should appear in a family values web site. (A very dysfunctional family, to be sure.) I do foresee a difficulty though.

My understanding is that in your parts liquid water frequently falls from the sky, in the form of something called rein or rayon or something like that. South Dakota grass has evolved to thrive in the absence of torrents from the sky. Grass, hereabouts, is a healthy, vibrant tannish brown. If the links were moved the grass might well do poorly and become a sickly green.

Perhaps we should work up on this. We could start by exchanging indoor putting greens. If that went well we might move on to a minature golf course, and so on, until we arrived at the real thing.

From: Peter Neilson
Date: 3/9/2005
Subj: The big bang

Was it by mere oversight, by deliberate consideration, or by pure, unadaulterated malice that you neglected to tell ej W that it’s Turtles All The Way Down? That neat solution to the problem of making the universe makers reminds me of an analysis I once heard of Russell’s solution to his version of the paradox of Epimenides, which is often called Russell’s paradox): “By creating his theory of types, Russell does not eliminate the contradictions, but merely enumerates them ad infinitum.” Don’t remember who said it, except that it was someone hanging around MIT about 1970.

Deliberate consideration – I was moderately certain that he wasn’t a turtle [1]. Quine’s New Foundations is even more elegant. In it, so to speak, types are floating. The effect is that contradictions cannot be found because they are just out of sight.

[1] Once upon a time (and perhaps more recently) there was an informal but widespread secret society called the turtles. If you were a turtle and someone asked you if you were a turtle you were supposed to reply “You bet your sweet ass I am.” Anyone who was a turtle could induct anyone else into the order by teaching the three secret questions and their answers. I only remember one of them, to wit:

Q: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down, and a dog do standing on three legs?
A: Shaking hands.

From: Jack Anderson
Date: 3/5/2005
Subj: Partnership between lesbian dating sites

Hi,

I looked at your web site – http://richardhartersworld.com – and I would really like to set up a partnership with you.

As it happens that isn’t a valid URL – I rather fancy that you never actually looked at my web site. Allah is merciful.

Given the nature of your web site I am more than a little nervous about what sort of partnership you have in mind.

It’s the indecent traffic that gives me pause.

Shudder.

From: Jrohuskey
Date: 3/3/2005
Subj: undertaker

A dead perfect fit…………another funny one. I’m a undertaker myself although I dont carry any false teeth around in my pocket!

I’ve never known an undertaker to carry around false teeth, but what do I know. Still, it’s a good story.

From: beno
Date: 3/1/2005
Subj: Link Exchange

Hi;
I would like to exchange links with you. The Web resource we are optimizing for, http://www.cruciangold.com/index.pt, is similarly themed to yours, particularly for the keyword phrase ‘SILVER’. We would specifically like a link from this page:

http://richardhartersworld.com/cri/fandom.html

However, if it is your policy to only link from a specific link page, we understand and appreciate the reciprocal link. If you are interested, please use our simple Link Exchange Form:

http://www.cruciangold.com/Add_Link.pt?contactID=11486

You misapprehend. The silver referred to on that page is the name of a person. Be that as it may, a link to your site will appear on my web site, albeit not on the page you mentioned. You needn’t bother with adding a link to my site. In fact I wish you wouldn’t – far too many people link to my site as it is.

From: Jrohuskey
Date: 2/28/2005
Subj: poem I love The leaf poem–beautiful

Thank you. Kind words are appreciated. Your kind of words are particularly appreciated.

From: Orlando
Date: 2/27/2005
Subj: The Cold Equations

I an interested in finding out when will The Cold Equations be playing and what channel will it play on. I haven’t had the opportunity to see the entire movie and I haven’t seen it in over nine or ten years. Please update me with the next time The Cold Equations will be played so I can be sure to catch it.

Me too. I’ve never seen it at all. I tell you what. If I hear it’s playing I’ll let you know, and if you hear it’s playing, you let me know. Better yet, if you hear it’s playing, don’t tell me.

From: Brian Woodley
Date: 2/25/2005
Subj: How much is that bullshit in the window…

Hi;
Just finished reading your site:

http://richardhartersworld.com/cri_b/fiction/1998/doggy.html

I don’t know you, but I do know this classic ditty. Your friend was pulling your leg, perhaps having at laugh at your expense. Hope he’s come clean since then, but in case he hasn’t, here’s the actual lyrics:

How much is that doggie in the window (arf, arf)
The one with the waggley tail
How much is that doggie in the window (arf, arf)
I do hope that doggie’s for sale

I must take a trip to California
And leave my poor sweetheart alone
If he has a dog he won’t be lonesome
And the doggie will have a good home

How much is that doggie in the window (arf, arf)
The one with the waggley tail
How much is that doggie in the window (arf, arf)
I do hope that doggie’s for sale

I read in the papers there are robbers (roof, roof)
With flashlights that shine in the dark
My love needs a doggie to protect him
And scare them away with one bark

I don’t want a bunny or a kitty
I don’t want a parrot that talks
I don’t want a bowl of little fishies
He can’t take a goldfish for a walk

How much is that doggie in the window (arf, arf)
The one with the waggley tail
How much is that doggie in the window (arf, arf)
I do hope that doggie’s for sale

For the record, I thought his version was funny, but the point derived from it has better examples. You may now confidently mete what punishment you feel fits the situation. Just a random intrusion from a perfect stranger…

I hate to break it to you, but Thomas Jones is a bit of fiction as is the page (page, not site) that you were looking at. I do appreciate hearing from you though. You might wander through my site further if you like. I warn you, though, that it is tainted through and through.

From: ej W
Date: 2/25/2005
Subj: The big bang

A have a question for you- one which I believe is quite simple. I would like a simple reply, and I hope that is reasonable. Getting something from nothing is impossible, I hope you agree with that… so in the big bang, what banged, and where did it come from?

A simple reply may be beyond my capablilities or even beyond anybody’s capabilities. The answer to the first question is simple enough. In the beginning everything was concentrated in a single point – not just matter and energy, but all of space as well. What “banged” was space itself. Space stretched (and is still stretching) in all directions.

Where did it come from is another matter. Nobody really knows. In one class of theories the universe was spawned from a predecessor universe. In some of these theories there are an enormous number of spawned universes. Another theory is that existence of the physical universe is due to a chance quantum fluctuation in timeless nothingness. I’m not sure that I quite understand how that works. Then there are a class of theories that say that the universe was created by some being, e.g., the biblical Jehovah, Olaf Stapledon’s Star Maker, and the Hindu Brahma. The trouble with the physics based theories is that we don’t know enough about physics. The trouble with theories about universe makers is who made them.

I hope this helps.

From: vicky
Date: 2/24/2005
Subj: horses

Dear horse loves,
I love horses so much that I play cow girl and breand that I have a rope. I also play horse back riding so much that I play it al the time at school.

It’s good that you love horses. May I suggest, however, that you pay some attention to your spelling and your grammar while you are in school.

From: Rita Malongo
Date: 2/21/2005
Subj: topic

I am the secretary to a director in Department of Health & Welfare Negotiations, Ministry of Health, South Africa.

My boss has directed me to solicit a potential individual/organization with a view to receive Sickle Cell Donations amounting to TWELVE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS as part of a humanitarian grant scheme operated by the Ministry of Health, South Africa.

Upon indicating your interest, I will inform my boss about you and he will proceed to add and facilitate you as a beneficiary of the grant. You will receive FORTY PERCENT of the money as your commission, while SIXTY PERCENT goes to us.

Please, treat this mail as confidential as possible as myself and my boss are still serving government officials, if you are not in a position to be part of this, do not respond to this mail and I apologize for taking your time.

One of the amusing things about the “Nigerian Scam” is that most of them presume the lowest of low character on the part of the recipient. Thus the recipient is variously invited to share in proceeds of corrupt officials, help the families of dictators relocate wealth looted from suffering countries, and fraudulently claim inheritances. In this one the recipient is invited to steal from charitable contributions meant for treating sickle cell anemia.

I could scarcely resist this appeal to unscrupulous avarice save for the certainty that the only anemia involved would be that of my bank account.