THE MAN CODE
This is it. So it has been written, so it shall be....The CODE
- Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.
- Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
- Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be
legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
- When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother,
father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker,
you need not and should not provide any useful information
whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny
his very existence.
- Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you
must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
- You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent
without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is
allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up
a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).
- If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister
is off-limits forever.
- The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy
who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required
to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on
the classic 1-10 babe scale.
- Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies
refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature
- No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is
strictly optional and slightly gay.
- Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that
your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should
you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex
with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at
your bachelor party.
- Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his
permission and he in return is required to grant it.
- Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated
as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the
ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
- If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem--you didn't
- The universal compensation for buddies who help you move
- A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
- When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event,
you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you
may never ask who's playing.
- When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her
whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead
only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time
to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
- It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only
when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered
by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
- Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
- A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman
must remain sober enough to fight.
- If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to
fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the
last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this
guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and
- Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
- Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice
of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
- If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be
referring to his beer.
- Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except
when she's withholding sex pending your response.
- Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal
footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all
other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
- If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car,
you may not join him...too gay.
This page was last updated July 1, 2007.