The Tech Coed's Masturbation Song
Once upon a time, well into the last century, I hung
out in the MIT Science Fiction Society (MITSFS, popularly
known as MISFITS) where I absorbed a certain amount of
MIT, ahem, culture, including folk songs created by students.
In those days female MIT students (tech coeds) were a rare
breed, lone pioneers in a male world. Here is a song of
feminine survival written by Linda Kalver.
To the tune of Union Maid.
There once was a Tech coed who never went to bed,
She tooled and tooled her way through school,
She never lost her maidenhead,
She always studied late, she never had a date.
She said, "I'll survive my sexual drive
Because I masturbate.
Oh, you can't make me, I need no man, sir
Don't cream your pants, sir, I've found the answer,
Oh, you can't make me, I use my hand, sir,
I've got my education in my hands."
This Tech coed was wise to the Tech and Harvard guys,
She couldn't be fooled by a prestige school,
She saw through all their lines and lies
She always got her way when she told them, Not today,
'Cause a guy understands a kick in the pants
And she didn't have to say:
"Oh, you can't make me, I won't be fooled, sir,
I go to school, sir, I have to tool, sir,
You can't make me, I use a slide rule, sir
And I must stick with the golden rule.
You gals who want to be free, just take a tip from me,
Learn how it's done and have your fun
And never lose your virginity,
And when temptation calls in ivy-covered halls,
Don't be snowed, just answer, No,
Kick the bastard in the balls.
Oh, you can't make me, I won't be laid, sir,
I'm not afraid, sir, but I won't be made, sir,
Oh, you can't make me, I need no aid, sir,
I'm a self-educated Tech coed."
This page was last updated January 1, 2006.