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May 2003
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How to Talk About Men
And still be Politically Correct

In these days we have to be politically correct, which is to say that we can no longer call a spade a spade. Instead it is a manually operated earth moving device. Although men are not politically correct, it is still necessary to use poltically correct language in discussing their little foibles. Here is a handy phrase book that will let you talk about men and still be politically correct.

  • He is not a bad dancer; he is Overly Caucasian.
  • He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
  • He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.
  • He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American.
  • He is not a sex machine; he is Romantically Automated.
  • He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.
  • He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.
  • He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.
  • He is not short -- he is Anatomically Compact.
  • He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
  • He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.
  • He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
  • He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.
  • He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
  • He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.
  • He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
  • He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.
  • He does not have a fabulous rear end; he has achieved Gluteal Perfection.
  • He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
  • He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.
  • He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible.
  • He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.
  • His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Undercirculated.
  • You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.
  • You do not kiss him; you become Facially Conjoined.
  • You do not undress him with your eyes; you have an Introspective Pornographic Moment.


This page was last updated May 4, 2003.

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May 2003
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