Santa Claus: Lord of the Rings
In the rec.arts.sf.written newsgroup there was a disturbingly plausible
thread connecting Santa Claus and the Lord of the Rings.
Learn about fruitcake as mathoms, the sinister Tom Bombadil, Silmarils
on the Christmas tree, reindeer as ringwraiths, and other horrors.
How do you think Santa got all of his workers?
He ended up with all of the Elven rings, and centuries of malnourishment
and mistreatment has resulted in a flock of miniscule elf-slaves.
"One ring to rule them all, and unto Christmas bind them."
The One wasn't destroyed... Santa got a hold of it.
Makes sense. All those paranoia-inducing lyrics ... "He sees you when
you're sleeping... he knows when you're awake... he knows if you've been
bad or good, so be good for goodness' sake!"
Wonderful. Now I'm going to dream about Santa's terrible jolly red
I've just realised, it's worse than that, the books lied. Santa didn't
get the ring. The ability to see everything he has an all seeing eye.
Santa is Saur................................
"There is, in a tower, far to the north, an Eye, unblinking."
As to who Santa really is, which jolly character in LOTR
actually gets to *hold the ring in his hand* at one point?
So, old Tom Bombadil does a little ring-palming and
sends Frodo off with a lesser ring, then clears off
to the ruins of Angband beneath the North Polar ice
cap, there to use the power of the One Ring to draw
the surviving Orcs to him, to toil beneath the ice
in his grim, satanic toy mills.
Now THAT is a stroke of genius. And with Bombadil's power PLUS the
One's, BombaSauron is able to cause Barad-Dur to topple, etc., at the
appropriate time. This implies that Sauron himself WILL come back one
day, since his Ring is still intact, though.
Michael S. Schiffer
Of course. "[T]he children know he'll be back again someday."
Though that song reflects the conflation of multiple Dark Lords. The
magic hat is, of course, the Iron Crown ("he began to dance around"
is a memory of when Luthien sang for him in Thangorodrim), and the
association with cold and snow is similarly obvious. But the "eye[s]
made out of coal" are, of course, Sauron's, which glowed red and
fiery like a live coal. And the pipe is, as you'd guess, from
But there were only nine Nazgul -- oh, no, wait, Sauron also brought
three of the dwarven rings to himself during the Third Age. Total:
twelve tiny reindeer. (Three smaller than the others.)
The Christmas Tree is the sign of Bombadil's power, of course, but...
um, why do we traditionally put a Silmaril at the top?
Morgoth's Crown, you fool.
Specifically, it's a propitiation ritual -- we act out returning the one
that Beren and Luthien stole, in the hope that nobody will blame *us*
for the deed of some idiot hero. What'd they want it for, anyway? Not
like they did anything useful with it once they'd got it ...
No. Instead, when the Christmas Tree dies and we carry it outside, it
symbolizes the felling of the Trees of Valinor.
John David Galt
Does that mean the Christmas feast celebrates the Kinslaying? As a sort
of evil Miracle of Transsubstantiation?
Michael S. Schiffer
Swords and swan-ships, carving knives and turkeys (or geese)... the
correspondences aren't exactly subtle. (And we probably shouldn't even
get started on the fruitcake-- but think the Haudh-en-Ndengin.)
Charles R Martin
Yes, I think fruitcake is becoming increasingly important in this
Brenda W. Clough
Obviously fruitcakes are mathoms, those presents which are passed around from
hobbit to hobbit.
Hmm, so that is why we kill it before decorating it,
to make the Ents cry some more?
Michael Stemper (re Nazgul and reindeer)
No, nine is exactly right. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid,
Donder, and Blitzen make eight. Then, you add in the (non-canonical)
Rudolph, with his glowing red nose, and you have nine reindeer for mortal
men doomed to die.
George William Herbert
And, given the various Rings' proclivity for glowing with red
elvish runes, and modern body piercing, we have a plausible
theory for *why* Rudolph's nose glows red...
How does Tolkien's "Father Christmas Letters" fit into all of this?
Is the North Polar Bear one of the Beornings? Are the Goblins the
same ones defeated at the Battle of Five Armies? etc.
But since Tom Bombadil/Santa was already a major power before he got
the Ring, Sauron is out in the cold, and would be stuck in some
backwoods spot, getting less and less powerful. Which would explain
where the Grinch came from.
Of COURSE! And the Hobbits are the Whos!
And when Sauron finally repents of his nature -- redemption of his Maia
spirit -- he once more can access that part which was locked away, thus
the strength boost he got.
Michael S. Schiffer
It fits-- from his interrogation of Gollum, he knew that the One had
been a "present", so he contrived to grab all of their presents in the
hopes of getting it back. (One may forgive him for not getting the
distinction between Christmas presents and birthday presents, it had
been so long since he'd gotten either.)
This page was last updated January 6, 2002.