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May 2001
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Saddam & Paddy

Saddam Hussein is sitting in his office, wondering what country to invade, when his phone rings.

"Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice says. "This is Paddy in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on your country!!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replies, "this indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight!"

Saddam sighs and says, "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my word."

"Oh heck," says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy rings back. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"What equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asks.

"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."

Once more Saddam sighs and says, "Paddy, I have 16 thousand tanks, two thousand mine layers, 14 thousand armoured cars, and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Fook me!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've kitted out old Ted's crop-sprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit, and the bridge team has joined us as well!"

Once more Saddam sighs and says, "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10 thousand bombers and 20 thousand MiG 27 attack planes, and my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface to air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million."

"Oh bollocks," says Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm very sorry to hear that," says Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, we've given it careful consideration and decided there's no way we can cope with two million prisoners!"


This page was last updated May 1, 2001.

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May 2001
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